Princesses don't give blow jobs
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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