Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
