im drinking this country out of the recession.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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