Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
