my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
