you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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