You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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