This is not my ceiling
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
