You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
