I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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