remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
