In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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