What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
