im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
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I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
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I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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