I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
