Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
