I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
