Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
