I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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