Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
