just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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