There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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