the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
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