i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
