The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
