I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize