Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
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I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
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I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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