i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
