I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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