literally had 100 drinks last night.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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