I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Randomize
