Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
