She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
my phone needs a breathalizer
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
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