We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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