My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
