Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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