Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
