I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
