My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
