Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
