you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
