i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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