And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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