Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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