I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
