sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
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He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
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Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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