So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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