My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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