Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Randomize
