is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
