somebody snuck up and got me drunk
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
