you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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