all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Also, beer. Big fan.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
